Sorry I’m Not Sorry




I have a social awkwardness that is hidden…

Normally, I am perfectly okay to handle my own emotions. Unless it’s one of those days where I’m running on three hours of sleep, didn’t have time to get coffee before work, and have a run in my stockings. Then I’m an emotional basket case and I’m not afraid to show it. Beware of dog, stay away, there’s an electric fence around this residence.

I think I am also pretty adept at handling others emotions, mainly friends and family. If you know someone it’s not weird at all to talk to them about your relationship problems, or something that’s been on your mind and needs to come out.

What am I terribly awkward at? Caring or appearing to care about total strangers emotional outpours at the most inappropriate times.

I must have that kind of face, the one you want to tell everything to. Maybe I remind you of an old friend, or there is some misguided maternal aura coming off me because I swear, people tell me the most personal things. It’s happened way too many times to write it off as a fluke.

Yesterday when I was at work, another rep’s customer called me over and began to sing to me the song he had written about his ex wife leaving him and his five kids. Last week a woman broke down into tears because her Verizon password is her cats name and Juju is no longer with us.

Everytime this happens, I have to physically fight the urge to run and hide. My facial expression is a frozen mask of “what the hell is going on”, and my mind is a frenzied whirl of “can they tell how awkard I feel right now?” thoughts. It’s as if I’m a robot and someone just pulled my power cord.

I know what you’re thinking, this chick has no feelings, maybe not even a soul.

It’s not true! I feel a lot, and I have a very BIG soul. Maybe it’s not very pure, but it’s large.

Pehaps I feel too much, maybe I want very badly to empathize with these forlorn and lost people, and yet I’m at work and I need to be able to come back to this place tomorrow and not have anyone think I’m weak or suceptible to emotional highs and lows. At work I need to be percieved as a don’t-cross me-or-else, high heel wearing, machette yeilding bad ass mofo. There’s too many times, as a woman, I’ve hit the corporate world only to be automatically labeled as ’emotional, unpredictible, soft”…. and truly, anyone who knows me would never describe me that way. I guess you could say that it’s unpredictable as to where I’m going to kick you the next time you prejudge me just because I have a vagina.

So, sorry I’m not sorry. This is the world we live in, and if I have to be “manly” in order to keep my place in it, I can pull out the ruler and measure with the best of them.

It’s probably for the best that I ended up in sales where emotional distance helps me, instead of psychology (my college major) where I probably wouldn’t have had many patients after staring at them with the “this is so awkward” look for enough sessions.

Have no fear, I have  a heart and am very capable of relating to emotions, especially from those of you on the internet. This way I can hide my frozen mask of fear behind a keyboard.