A punctuation typo


Good morning… or very late night in my case. This evening (or morning, which is it?) finds me four hours away from having to get up for work, and yet I cannot sleep. It was probably that large sized glass of Coke and salted almond chocolate bar I ate whilst straight ironing my hair this evening. In hindsight, not the best choice, but my choice nevertheless.

Which brings me to my topic. Texting. 

Glorious texting! You have saved me from many an awkward conversation, given me the slight anonymity to say (or type) things that would have otherwise gone unsaid. Some say your invention was the beginning of the end for human contact, but I disagree!

I know, I know… if I said this to someone over the age of 35, I would get a lecture. Something about walking ten miles in the snow to school. 

But this is my generation, this is my self inflicted isolation, and it makes my life so much easier. Someone once said, “A phone call should be a convenience to the caller, not an inconvenience to the called.” This doesn’t really make all that much sense, considering that when you call someone you have no idea what they are in the middle of. They could be driving, they could be in the middle of a snack and a movie. This could be the first five minutes your friend or loved one has had all day to themselves, and YOU are interrupting it. 

Texting has revolutionized communication, not stalled it! Now if I get a phone call, I almost feel obligated to take it because it could be important. If I do take it and it’s not important, I feel a little slighted. After finding myself on the phone for twenty minutes talking to my aunt about her neighbor who she’s sure is leaving beer bottles on her side walk, I feel aggressively slighted. 

If only there was a way to send someone a quick message to let them know what was on their mind! Then they could choose to respond, or go about their business. The beauty of it is, if I don’t respond to a text for an hour, I could just say I didn’t get it right away. No one knows the truth. They can suspect, but who would accuse….

Lets get off the beautiful basics of texting and move right on to what I like to call, “sexually suggestive script”. Patent pending.

This is NOT sexting. Please, how insulting. Get that out of your head right now. Sexually suggestive script is more tasteful than that. If your normal every day flirting is a dance of sorts, flirting via text is the paso doble. Incredibly difficult, easy to mess up, but breathtaking if executed by two people who know what they’re doing. 

Flirting in person, easy. You’ve got the arm touches, the hair flips, the bedroom eyes. Go to any night club, in any town on, any given night and you will see firsthand… a monkey can do it.

Take away all those tools, and you have nothing but words left. They have to be the right words, in the right arrangement, at the right time. Your tools have now drastically changed. This is dangerous territory because you don’t even have tone to go on. Your bedroom eyes have become emoticons; throw out one of these ;), and it’s on. I like to use a lot of trailing dots. For instance; “I’ve been thinking about you…” 

What comes after the dots?! That’s what he or she will ask, because they really want to know. What have you been thinking, and how often, and in what context…

There go the trailing dots again. These dots suggest that there is something more. If your opponent is worthy, they will be intrigued. If they don’t reciprocate with some trailing dots or winky faces of their own… well, he’s just not that into you. Find a new texting friend to practice your sexually suggestive script on. But never sext, because that’s the equivalent of going home with someone on the first date. And that’s what Snapchat is for. 


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