When to say when.

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This is about relationships…

The most talked about, most trite, most exhausted topic that exists. And yet, this is my blog and it’s what I choose to write about tonight. I’ll try to keep it original.

Having been in my fair share of them, I consider myself a quick study and a self-proclaimed expert on relationships and the types of people in them. I can usually talk with a couple for a short time and know whether or not it’s going to last. It’s a gift and a curse, because although you can see that guillotine coming down… what can you really say? No one wants to hear that they are incompatible, or that they have work to do on themselves before they can be in a functional relationship.

My little sister has been in an on again, off again relationship with a young man for a few years now. At the start of it I thought he was good for her in comparison to her previous beau who once referred to the Spades in a deck of card as “the pointy ones”….

But, as is to be expected, they have grown apart because she has grown up. She has developed a greater sense of self, and a better feel of the world while he has pretty much stayed the same.

Here is my unsolicited, self-proclaimed expert advice to my baby sister and all young women like her. Learn from those of us who are older and wiser… again, self-proclaimed.

  1. If there is a trait about this person you don’t like, it will only become exacerbated with age: So he is a homebody at 23. Expect him to be Howard Hughes level of reclusive by 30. You’re going to have to start ordering your groceries to be delivered to the house. Eventually, he won’t even come out of the bedroom because he has everything he needs there… PS4, HBO, COD, and all other letters associated with being a couch potato. If he’s a bit of a neat freak at 25, one day you’ll be waking up next to Howie Mandel. He’ll hook up the pipes to actually spit out hand sanitizer instead of water, and he’ll shave his head just because hair can and will get dirty!
  2. If you look at him now and feel repulsed (even for a minute, even just a little stomach turn), that doesn’t go away. He is the loudest eater you have ever met. You literally are starting to believe that he wasn’t born with the insulation normal people have in their cheeks. Every once in a while he’ll say something to you with a little whine in his voice, and you have to leave the room in order to not punch him right in the face. You’ve started watching those pseudo-documentaries about “women who kill” in order to get some tips. Right now he’s young, he can still be considered cute (in the right light). Take all those little things that are the emotional equivalent of nails on a chalkboard for you, and add a beer belly and receding hair line. Without the redeeming qualities of youth and good looks, you might actually find yourself as the subject of one of those documentaries.
  3. He talks down to you… This one pretty much speaks for itself. But I’ll say some stuff anyways. Men generally think they know more than woman. It’s not their fault, it’s the way they were brought up and the culture we live in. Every once in a while you will come across the very special, very enlightened man who will *gasp*, give you credit when it’s due. He will also have figured out, in that rare instance when you are wrong, how to speak to you in a way that doesn’t make you feel like a cocker spaniel. If he is 22 years old and already pulling the “I am man, hear me roar” garbage on you, his overly inflated head will only get bigger. Eventually, even the most expensive marriage counselor won’t save him from the most expensive divorce lawyer.
  4. He loves his mother… he REALLY loves his mother. A man showing his mother respect and love is absolutely an amazing thing, and their relationship should be treated with reverence. There is a fine line, and you’ll know when it’s been crossed. If he has moved out and his mother still calls to tell him goodnight, the line has been crossed. If he has a job and a significant other and his mother still buys him underwear, the line has been crossed. Imagine being a contestant on one of those reality shows where you are on a desert island, fighting to survive. Now imagine that instead of that experience lasting a month, it lasts forever. The rest of your life. Until you die. On the bright side, if you like being in constant competition and usually losing, this is the right guy for you!

This list could become very lengthy, but I think I’ve made my point. No one is perfect, but there are HUGE, GLARING warning signs that should not be ignored. The benefit of youth is learning from your mistakes, and trying to not make them again. Not only do people not change, but they usually get worse. If you don’t agree with my point of view, if you think I’m all cynicism and no romance, marry the person I have described above and then send me the link to your blog entry.

I can’t wait to read it. 🙂

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One thought on “When to say when.

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