A punctuation typo

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Good morning… or very late night in my case. This evening (or morning, which is it?) finds me four hours away from having to get up for work, and yet I cannot sleep. It was probably that large sized glass of Coke and salted almond chocolate bar I ate whilst straight ironing my hair this evening. In hindsight, not the best choice, but my choice nevertheless.

Which brings me to my topic. Texting. 

Glorious texting! You have saved me from many an awkward conversation, given me the slight anonymity to say (or type) things that would have otherwise gone unsaid. Some say your invention was the beginning of the end for human contact, but I disagree!

I know, I know… if I said this to someone over the age of 35, I would get a lecture. Something about walking ten miles in the snow to school. 

But this is my generation, this is my self inflicted isolation, and it makes my life so much easier. Someone once said, “A phone call should be a convenience to the caller, not an inconvenience to the called.” This doesn’t really make all that much sense, considering that when you call someone you have no idea what they are in the middle of. They could be driving, they could be in the middle of a snack and a movie. This could be the first five minutes your friend or loved one has had all day to themselves, and YOU are interrupting it. 

Texting has revolutionized communication, not stalled it! Now if I get a phone call, I almost feel obligated to take it because it could be important. If I do take it and it’s not important, I feel a little slighted. After finding myself on the phone for twenty minutes talking to my aunt about her neighbor who she’s sure is leaving beer bottles on her side walk, I feel aggressively slighted. 

If only there was a way to send someone a quick message to let them know what was on their mind! Then they could choose to respond, or go about their business. The beauty of it is, if I don’t respond to a text for an hour, I could just say I didn’t get it right away. No one knows the truth. They can suspect, but who would accuse….

Lets get off the beautiful basics of texting and move right on to what I like to call, “sexually suggestive script”. Patent pending.

This is NOT sexting. Please, how insulting. Get that out of your head right now. Sexually suggestive script is more tasteful than that. If your normal every day flirting is a dance of sorts, flirting via text is the paso doble. Incredibly difficult, easy to mess up, but breathtaking if executed by two people who know what they’re doing. 

Flirting in person, easy. You’ve got the arm touches, the hair flips, the bedroom eyes. Go to any night club, in any town on, any given night and you will see firsthand… a monkey can do it.

Take away all those tools, and you have nothing but words left. They have to be the right words, in the right arrangement, at the right time. Your tools have now drastically changed. This is dangerous territory because you don’t even have tone to go on. Your bedroom eyes have become emoticons; throw out one of these ;), and it’s on. I like to use a lot of trailing dots. For instance; “I’ve been thinking about you…” 

What comes after the dots?! That’s what he or she will ask, because they really want to know. What have you been thinking, and how often, and in what context…

There go the trailing dots again. These dots suggest that there is something more. If your opponent is worthy, they will be intrigued. If they don’t reciprocate with some trailing dots or winky faces of their own… well, he’s just not that into you. Find a new texting friend to practice your sexually suggestive script on. But never sext, because that’s the equivalent of going home with someone on the first date. And that’s what Snapchat is for. 

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When to say when.

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This is about relationships…

The most talked about, most trite, most exhausted topic that exists. And yet, this is my blog and it’s what I choose to write about tonight. I’ll try to keep it original.

Having been in my fair share of them, I consider myself a quick study and a self-proclaimed expert on relationships and the types of people in them. I can usually talk with a couple for a short time and know whether or not it’s going to last. It’s a gift and a curse, because although you can see that guillotine coming down… what can you really say? No one wants to hear that they are incompatible, or that they have work to do on themselves before they can be in a functional relationship.

My little sister has been in an on again, off again relationship with a young man for a few years now. At the start of it I thought he was good for her in comparison to her previous beau who once referred to the Spades in a deck of card as “the pointy ones”….

But, as is to be expected, they have grown apart because she has grown up. She has developed a greater sense of self, and a better feel of the world while he has pretty much stayed the same.

Here is my unsolicited, self-proclaimed expert advice to my baby sister and all young women like her. Learn from those of us who are older and wiser… again, self-proclaimed.

  1. If there is a trait about this person you don’t like, it will only become exacerbated with age: So he is a homebody at 23. Expect him to be Howard Hughes level of reclusive by 30. You’re going to have to start ordering your groceries to be delivered to the house. Eventually, he won’t even come out of the bedroom because he has everything he needs there… PS4, HBO, COD, and all other letters associated with being a couch potato. If he’s a bit of a neat freak at 25, one day you’ll be waking up next to Howie Mandel. He’ll hook up the pipes to actually spit out hand sanitizer instead of water, and he’ll shave his head just because hair can and will get dirty!
  2. If you look at him now and feel repulsed (even for a minute, even just a little stomach turn), that doesn’t go away. He is the loudest eater you have ever met. You literally are starting to believe that he wasn’t born with the insulation normal people have in their cheeks. Every once in a while he’ll say something to you with a little whine in his voice, and you have to leave the room in order to not punch him right in the face. You’ve started watching those pseudo-documentaries about “women who kill” in order to get some tips. Right now he’s young, he can still be considered cute (in the right light). Take all those little things that are the emotional equivalent of nails on a chalkboard for you, and add a beer belly and receding hair line. Without the redeeming qualities of youth and good looks, you might actually find yourself as the subject of one of those documentaries.
  3. He talks down to you… This one pretty much speaks for itself. But I’ll say some stuff anyways. Men generally think they know more than woman. It’s not their fault, it’s the way they were brought up and the culture we live in. Every once in a while you will come across the very special, very enlightened man who will *gasp*, give you credit when it’s due. He will also have figured out, in that rare instance when you are wrong, how to speak to you in a way that doesn’t make you feel like a cocker spaniel. If he is 22 years old and already pulling the “I am man, hear me roar” garbage on you, his overly inflated head will only get bigger. Eventually, even the most expensive marriage counselor won’t save him from the most expensive divorce lawyer.
  4. He loves his mother… he REALLY loves his mother. A man showing his mother respect and love is absolutely an amazing thing, and their relationship should be treated with reverence. There is a fine line, and you’ll know when it’s been crossed. If he has moved out and his mother still calls to tell him goodnight, the line has been crossed. If he has a job and a significant other and his mother still buys him underwear, the line has been crossed. Imagine being a contestant on one of those reality shows where you are on a desert island, fighting to survive. Now imagine that instead of that experience lasting a month, it lasts forever. The rest of your life. Until you die. On the bright side, if you like being in constant competition and usually losing, this is the right guy for you!

This list could become very lengthy, but I think I’ve made my point. No one is perfect, but there are HUGE, GLARING warning signs that should not be ignored. The benefit of youth is learning from your mistakes, and trying to not make them again. Not only do people not change, but they usually get worse. If you don’t agree with my point of view, if you think I’m all cynicism and no romance, marry the person I have described above and then send me the link to your blog entry.

I can’t wait to read it. 🙂